Use of Language – What you Really Mean – Part 1
Previous Posts in this series:
Use of Language – Introduction
Use of Language – Colour and Rhythm
Introduction
This is the first of two posts where we will deep dive in to how specific words can have a profound effect on the meaning of your communication. Some of these insights may seem really obvious, some maybe much less so. The key is stopping to reflect and make the use of each of these words a conscious decision rather than an unconscious habit.
What you really mean
In conversation, the words we choose to use and the meanings associated with these words are indicative of our internal frame of reference for a situation; if we look at the words closely, we can decipher how our frame of references is constructed. Conversely, the words we choose to use in our internal dialogue (or more importantly within our unconscious thought patterns) create the frame of reference which then is used to frame our external dialogue.
So, our selected vocabulary has and influence at multiple levels.
In the next insight we will explore the power of our subconscious mid further; this insight is all about developing an awareness of specific words and thinking patterns, discovering how they shape our reality.
Life, in all of its complexity, is hard to put in to words; so humans have developed language patters that simplify speech by encompassing deep meaning in to a few words. A lot of the time, we do not stop to consciously consider this deeper meaning and the influence it has over our perception. With this in mind, lets explore some patterns and key words we could benefit from being aware of…
Always and Never
Words like always and never indicate all or nothing thinking.
“He always drinks milk from the carton”
“She never turns up on time for meetings”
This is a really common language pattern and often features when we are displeased about a particular event and want to focus our dissatisfaction on the supposed perpetrator of the transgression. When we do this, we simplify so we can box up and classify the behavior so it can be cleanly judged. In essence, we dehumanise the perpetrator to give ourselves free reign to be callous and uncompassionate in our judgements.
If we stopped to think, does this really always or never happen? We may then see the error in our thinking and redefine our position.
What this does mean though, is that we need to be willing to be empathetic in our appraisals and embrace the complexity of life. It is all too easy to hang on to this simplification in a bid to allow ourselves to easily judge and stroke our own ego by knocking other people down (a sign of insecurity which we must learn to be honest with ourselves about).
This kind of thinking is not just reserved for others though, we do this to ourselves through hash inner judgement and layering on guilt. This thinking pattern is prevalent in people with depression.
Take always and never as the exception for descriptions and not the rule. The vast majority of the time they will not be correct, so raise a flag when you catch yourself using then and stop to check if they really are appropriate.
Should, Must, Could, Cannot, Need
These words are modal operators of necessity – that means they give meaning of the necessity to other words. Not all modal operators are equal though!
In previous posts (see here) I have shared insights around use of the world should and the option of replacing it with could. You can see the post here.
In summary, should has baggage attached to it in that it energetically pushes us towards doing something; it also has the implication that we are not currently motivated to do this thing. Could on the other hand surfaces an option that is available to us to take without negative push energy associated to it. While the difference is subtle, you will find that the accumulation of energic baggage associated to the word should when we excessively used on others and ourselves is tiresome; more than just tiresome, it actually depletes us of the very resources we require to do the thing we think we should actually be doing! Could signals optionality, should psychologically bullies us in to doing something.
Must, need, can, and cannot all have similar energetic baggage associated to them.
Rather than saying must or need (because these imply the thing is essential) how about not procrastinating and saying simply “I will”. “I will” is a modal operator of possibility. This little shift in languages takes the energy we would have used to harangue ourselves with the importance of the task and instead directs that energy towards actually completing the task. It is like opening the door, then turning to face the thing we want to do rather than just saying how important it is to open the door.
Can and cannot… well, there is a lot that could be written about these two words. Let’s just keep it simple and say that a more empowering choice of vocabulary which promotes self-honesty is to say “I choose to” or “I choose not to”.
Let’s be realistic though… I cannot run the 100m in 10s, and even if I spent the next 10 years training, I doubt very much this would be possible. So sometimes, can and cannot are the appropriate words to use. Just watch out though because most of the time we actually use these words to close down our rational thinking and hide from the choices we are really making in life. One for you to ponder.
Labelling and Mislabeling
Remember the definition of language? Labelling is fundamentally all language is. No matter how specific we try to be, language will always fall short of reality.
The description is not the described.
–J. Krishnamurti
So, it this insight about not using language – no, that would be silly!
Slightly less silly is developing an awareness of the impact of using labels when referencing other humans.
- She is wonderful
- He is a d!ck
- He is amazing
- She is a b!tch
- He is stupid
- I’m a loser
We all do this consistently as it is the primary purpose of language – generalising and simplifying our perception of the world so we can comprehend it. The problem with labelling humans is the dehumanising effect that is has on our perception. We blinker ourselves to other aspects of the human at hand and then tend to look for this label in every interaction with them. The label acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy within our perception.
Really, every label is a mislabel, but honestly, with the efficiency labelling offers within the use of language, it would be extremely difficult (almost impossible) to never label other humans.
What we can do though is be aware of what labels really mean and avoid the use of emotionally charged labels with negative energy associated to them.
What we really are labelling is the behavior, and not the person. This key distinction when remembered leaves the door of possibility open for the person to be perceived differently. It associates the label to a snap shot in time and allows it to expire once our own emotions settle down and we are psychologically ready to adopt a different perception, or the person simply behaves in a different way.
Remembering that all humans are perfectly imperfect allows better focus on the behaviors we are seeing and helps build empathy for the other person. In doing so we to retain our ability to develop meaningful connections regardless of what is going on around us.
Which connection matters the most? The one we have with ourself!
Think about how this insight manifests in your own internal dialogue and how developing an awareness of the use of labelling in your own internal habits could turn the dial on your perception of yourself. If you ever hear yourself start a sentence with “I’m a…” then bring your torch or curiosity!
What’s Next?
Simplifying, mind reading, butts, and forced dilemmas… not four things you would often get in the same sentence yet they are the very four things we will explore in the next post.
P.S. Butts is not a typo 😊
Enjoy, for now.