Use of Language – What You Really Mean – Part 2

Previous Posts in this series:

Introduction

This is the second post exploring how specific words can have a profound effect on the meaning of our communication. Lets see which of these phenomenon you are already aware of…

Cause and Effect Simplification

There is a lot to unpack with this one! Let’s start with some examples:

Eating makes me happy
Seeing him makes me angry
Losing that will make me sad

These are simple phrases that imply a straightforward cause and effect relationship between and external event and an internal feeling. The key question with each of these statements is: “Why?”.

Yes, sometimes we don’t have time to go in to the why and it may be appropriate to generalise in this way. That is only ok though if we understand the true why behind these statements.

If you can’t explain the why, then you should not be using language this way.

Yes, I specifically chose the world should because this one does deserve a whipping!

If we are not honest with ourselves about the logical reasoning behind statements of this nature, what we are doing is turning our back on our self-esteem and self-worth.

Deep down, we really do know the reason why we say things such as these and if we consistently avoid facing in to the rational logic that drives our behaviour, we deplete our own confidence in our ability to think rationally and handle whatever life throws at us. This is the foundation of our self-esteem.

Breaking down and understanding the depths of our thinking is not easy, but this does not mean it is not possible. This is where the professional help of a councillor can come to help us explore new perspectives and get past a stuck state in our thinking.

I’m not mandating counselling for everyone, what I am saying is that we all need to accept responsibility for our own behaviour by facing in to our own why. However hard this may seem. Fundamentally this is a skill which we can improve overtime. The first steps on the journey are accepting responsibility, and then self-questioning to develop awareness of this thinking habit.

Why bother?

Because you can’t change your behaviour unless you understand the why.

Or – A Forced Dilemma

Or is a cheeky little word that can reduce our optionality by bringing our focus down to two specific options when in reality many more may be available to us. It can also be used to hide a snuck premise which by choosing we also agree to.

Here are a couple of examples:

Would you like cheese or ham in your sandwich?
- There is an assumption that I am having a sandwich
Would you like to pay now or later?
- There is an assumption I am paying

Simmering down options to the final two available enables speed of communication and rapid decision making, too many options can be overwhelming.

The reason I mention this particular word is so we can develop an awareness of when we choose to use it and when others use it with us. The majority of the time the work will be used in a constructive way with no malintent however, it is worth developing our awareness of the word so we can spot the occasions that we or other (see what I did there) use it to lead the choices of others.

Whenever you hear the word or, think of it like a box being drawn around the two options presented. When you see the box, remember to look outside it to check for the other options that have not been presented. Also check the platform the box is resting on and the hidden assumption behind the two choices.

This is not avoiding the use of or, it is about ensuring that when selecting and “orly” presented option we are able to use the full power of our rational thinking to decide how to proceed.

Remember, doing nothing is always an option that is available.

Mind Reading – Giving our own meaning to things

Mind reading is more of a thinking pattern rather than something which manifests around the use of specific words. I am including it here because it is a debilitating phenomenon which when not managed can wreak havoc on our relationships. Because the spell we cast are founded in our speech, it felt appropriate to include it here.

Mind reading is fundamentally us guessing what other people are thinking rather than relying on hard evidence. It is true that it is possible to develop a deep understanding of nonverbal communication so we can perceive much more meaning than just the words used, and the more we develop our own emotional intelligence the more we will be able to empathise with others by appreciating the psychological context they are operating in. Even with these skills finely tuned though, there may still be a leap of faith required to conclude the other persons motivations or their true feelings (specifically towards us) in a given situation.

Some words that are common in mind reading are means, thinks, and because. Here are a few examples:

John did that because he does not like me.
If Julie does that it means she loves me.
This audiences thinks I am boring.

If you ever catch yourself using phrases like these, then pause to check what evidence you have to indicate that they are true. How much of that evidence is based on factual information supplied by the other party?

We mind read to help us navigate our social relationships. My recommendation would be to focus on the relationship that matters the most (the one you have with yourself) and instead stop trying to fill in the blanks for others – look for the facts and stop wasting energy filling in the blanks.

If you really want to know what they think. Ask them.

Yes, But

The information I am going to share will be really useful, but you may find yourself thinking about it all of the time.

In the sentence above, which element lands with you the most? The words before the but, or after?

It is the words after.

But is a nasty divisive little word that can trigger arguments and give rise to conflict. But signals a dichotomy in opinion and can act like an eraser cancelling out the words that came before.

If you respond to someone saying “Yes, but” you are basically cancelling out their viewpoint and offering your own as an override.

If you say something kind then in the same statement say but and deliver some bad news, the but has the effect of perceptually making the bad overwrite the good.

This is not a healthy or effective way to communicate.

Here is a cheeky little way to remember this: instead of but, think of butt; because the thing that comes after will poop all over the thing that came before. 😊

The simple alternative to but is the use of the word “and”.

In conversation you could say in response:

“yes, I can see what you are saying and…”
“I respect your position on that, and here is my perspective…”

The key here is choosing not to directly oppose the other person, but instead to offer up, or lead the conversation towards your perspective.

Even when needing to give some bad news, you can slide the word and in, in place of but to add the negative in as a constructive note rather than the main point of the communication.

There is a lot that could be unpacked around this topic and loads of alternative strategies available. This little insight just serves to peak your awareness so you can choose to ponder how you use this word.

Remember to think twice about where you stick your butt! 😊

What’s Next?

In the next and final post of this series we will zoom back out from the detail and ponder why this tool can be used to effect positive change in your life.

Enjoy, for now.

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